A Bittersweet Goodbye to Our Home and My Bright Yellow Kitchen

When we moved into the small cape house down a bumpy, dead end private way, we knew it wasn't going to be our forever home.  Even so, we excitedly put our mark on that house, making it our own.  From the bright yellow kitchen to the freshly painted nursery that would be filled quicker than we expected; to the accented fireplace wall, creaky stairs and the cluttered basement, I learned to love every inch of that place because it was our home.  A few weeks ago, as we packed up our boxes and got ready to vacate the house, I was stricken by how hard it was going to be to leave that place that I loved despite all of its shortfalls. 

While I was SO excited to move on to our new house and put the Iosua stamp on it and I love having the extra square footage, larger closets, stairs that don't creak when you walk up them and the master bathroom, I found myself tearing up at the thought of leaving our old house.

That little place is where we brought home our first baby, Daisy, and I worried about her nails scratching up our new floors.  Its where I found out I was pregnant, where I felt Bryce first kick, and where he cried for 12 hours straight his first night home.  Its where I nursed him; we rocked him; we calmed him; we loved him.  Its wear he had his first Christmas, First Birthday, learned to crawl, walk, talk and grew into our sweet little boy.  It makes me sad that our forever home will never know the sound of his infant cry, or see what he looks like in footed pajamas.  The stairs in the new house may not creak and wake him up from a nap, but they also won't be the stairs he learned to climb up and down for the first time.  

As I packed up the last of the boxes one night while Rob and Bryce had already left, I broke down in uncontrollable sobs.  When I drove away for the last time, tears were streaming down my cheeks, they had been making their appearance from time to time over the last few weeks.  Like last week when Bryce had an unusually hard time going to bed.  I rocked him to sleep looking around I suddenly became sad that his walls would no longer be the same mint patty green.  That his new room will be the bedroom of our little boy and not the nursery of our first baby.  I know I will drive by often and wonder what the new family who moved in has changed.  I hope they keep my kitchen that bright yellow.  It is with a heavy heart that I said goodbye to that house, that bumpy street, my favorite running trails, and the home that was so good to us.  Tonight as I soak in my new bath tub, all my own without any baby toys, (which will make me feel at least slightly better),  I will shed a few more tears for the loss of our first home that houses the memories of so many firsts.

An Interview with Our Stay at Home Dad

Last week I got an email from Rob titled "Stay at Home Dads".  He had read an article (link pasted below) and thought it would be fun to answer the same questions that the interviewer had asked the stay at home dads in the article.  I am not sure if he did that and sent it to me because he knew I would love the gesture, or to give me some insight about his feelings about being a stay at home dad (which I always ask him about), but either way it was a pleasant surprise and I loved reading it.  So here  is what he had to say about being a stay at home dad.

The Original article

http://mom.me/fun/11130-10-questions-youre-dying-ask-stay-home-dad/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl17%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D445205

The Dads

In 2010, Rob Iosua decided to go back to school to get his degree in Physical Education.  A couple months before Rob was going to graduate, a new chapter would start in his life.  Rob and his wife were the proud parents of a baby boy named Bryce.  Luckily for him and his wife, Rob’s graduation and the end of his wife’s maternity leave coincided.  As a family they had a choice to make.  Do they both work and have their son in daycare or have Bryce’s father stay home and take care of him.  With the cost of good daycares being so expensive and the possible salary Rob could make just about covering the cost of daycare, the choice was made - he would stay home to take care of his son.  

What was something about being a stay-at-home dad that surprised you?

Thinking that I was pretty good at multitasking.  I thought that I would be able to do other duties around the house. But I quickly learned, at least so far at this age, that multi tasking was hard, and BRyce took up 100% of my attention and everything else came second (or not at all). 

Did you ever regret the decision?

Never!  There are days when 100 different things go wrong, he won’t eat, won't sleep, won't stay still for a diaper change and so much more, but there is that one moment, that may last only for a couple seconds, where he smiles and comes over for a hug and all of the sudden it’s the best day ever.  

What is the hardest part about being a stay-at-home dad?

Asking for help.  Being a stay-at-home dad, I feel that I am already at a disadvantage from the way other people think of us.  I know there are people out there who think dads can’t take care of their children as well as the child’s mother could.  This makes it tough for me to ask some people for help or even answers to questions about parenting.

Do you ever feel like the moms you interact with don’t take you seriously?

My son is still young so I haven’t really had the opportunity to have many play dates/gatherings with other kids and parents.  When I do meet other mothers and I tell them that I say home with Bryce I feel like they are trying to hide the shock or surprise that I’m a stay-at-home dad and that my wife isn’t the one at home with our child.  

Have your male friends judged you for the decision?

My friends are the best!  We don’t get to see each other as much as we would like, but I can tell they don’t judge me for staying at home.  Nothing really has changed with my friends when we hang out.

What’s the biggest thing you learned about yourself after becoming a stay-at-home dad? 

I’m a hugger!  Ask my wife, she would never have categorized me as a person who likes to hug.  But now that I’m with Bryce all day long, all I want is a hug from that little guy, no matter how much he doesn’t want to.  

What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home dad?

Watching him grow up.  He is getting so big so fast.  I’ve been watching him for 9 months now and I’m amazed at how different he is.  He has become his own little man.  Being able to see him grow these past few months has been amazing!

Would you suggest this to other dads?

Absolutely.  The bond you build with your child during these years are something that you will never forget.  Your child will always have this unexplainable bond with his mother.   She will be the one he always goes to, good or bad.  Having a chance to stay at home with my son doesn’t quite make the bonds my wife and I have with our child even, but I feel like I’m getting closer.

How has your relationship with your spouse changed, if at all, from this arrangement?

It hasn’t really changed too much.  It is tough for my wife sometimes when she has such little time during the week to be around our son.  I make it a priority that as soon as she gets home, we are waiting at the door for her and that he is the first person she gets to see when she gets home.

What’s the biggest piece of advice you would give to someone considering becoming a stay-at-home dad?

Expect the unexpected.  You could have a routine down and be ready to go with your schedule and it gets blown up within the first 5 minutes.  I learned in the first week that things won’t go as expected.  You need to keep your head focused and work through the difficult moments.  

My Mommy Confessions

Before you have a child, everyone has an idealistic view of how they will raise their perfect little angel.  Well, the minute you get that angel home and he screams the entire first night, all of your so called rules go right out the window.  And if they don't, and you are the mother that makes her own baby food, never yells at your child and keeps them entertained for hours on end without the use of any electronic devices - more power to you.  Here are my mommy confessions, that my childless self would have cringed at.

1) We feed B-Man processed food:  

Now that Bryce is eating anything and everything, it is impossible to keep up with his appetite.  We try to make a healthy dinner most nights, but there are those inevitable nights where we just haven't made it to the grocery store, don't have time to cook or just plain don't feel like it.  So guess what Bryce eats, boxed mac and cheese, frozen pancakes or waffles, frozen pizza or (gasp) frozen chicken nuggets.  Now we do try to buy the ones with low salt, no hormones, organic, etc...but its still processed food.

2) He doesn't always eat what we eat:

Did your mother ever say to you, "you eat what we eat or you don't eat at all"?  I can't ever actually remember my mom saying that, but they say it on sitcoms, so some mothers must have said it.  This saying obviously can't apply to toddlers, right?  Maybe I will say it to Bryce when he is 10, but right now, if he isn't digging what we made for dinner, guess what, I pop in a frozen pizza and let him go to town.  Because if he doesn't eat what we eat, and doesn't eat anything, that just means we are going to be waking up with a very hungry boy at 2am.  And I like my sleep.

3) We let him watch TV:

Some pediatrics association somewhere out there has said kids under 2 shouldn't watch TV.  Well that is impossible.  Besides the fact that it keeps his attention and keeps him out of trouble for like 15 minutes, he also laughs his head off at it, and its too darn cute not to let him watch it once in awhile. Even if it means that I go to work in the mornings with the Mickey Mouse, Jake and the Neverland Pirate, Henry Hugglemonster (insert other Disney show here) theme song in my head.  We have even gone so far as to letting him watch it on a DVD player in the car for longer trips (like to Costco ha ha), because guess what - then he doesn't scream his head off to get out of the car seat.  We even bring the IPad to restaurants and let him watch it when he gets fussy.  Judge away young couple next to us, but your welcome cause now you don't have to sit next to a whining toddler.  

4) We let Bryce's naps times dictate our schedule?
If you ask me to do something during Bryce's nap time, that involves bringing him with me.  I will say no.  Naps are essential in making this little guy happy.  I find this one funny, because childless Kelly, really didn't think much would change schedule wise.  Now I find myself calling friends saying, "Yeah I know we were supposed to meet at 1:30, but Bryce is still sleeping...how about 2?" And then a half hour later call back and say, "He's still sleeping, I am NOT waking him up. How about 3?"  Ha ha.  Your good friends will understand, whether or not they have children.  The saying is true - you NEVER wake a sleeping baby/child (unless, maybe, you are sleep training because they have their days and nights mixed up).  And its inevitable, that he will take a 3 hour nap on the day you had plans, when normally he never sleeps past 1:00.  I was bad at being on time before kids.  Now - forget it :)

I know there are many more that I have.  What are your mommy confessions?

    

What is the Mystery Mouse-ke Tool? The suspense is killing me



What's for lunch?  Chicken Nuggets Please :)

Pizza Is My Favorite Food!



What Becoming a Mother Has Taught Me About Friendship

They say there are events in your life that will make you realize who your true friends are; the loss of a loved one who was taken far too soon; an accident that leaves you depending on others to care for you; a divorce, or maybe something less monumental.  For me it was becoming a mother.  I have to say the change in many of my friendships was one of the biggest surprises of motherhood, both good and bad.

I was once told that when complaining or arguing about something that you are supposed to "make a positive sandwich".  You know the bread are the positives and the inside is the negative.  So that I don't dwell about the on about the less than happy moments, I'll be eating a positive sandwich during this post.

The first few weeks after having Bryce were some of the hardest of my life.  I like the term that my sister-in-law uses for this phase, "The Baby Fog". While you are in the baby fog, you have no concept of what is gong on outside of you and your little one's world.  You are consumed with how long its been between feedings, learning and teaching your baby how to breast feed, waking up in the middle of the night for everything from feedings, to comforting the baby, to just making sure he is breathing.  You have your days and nights completely mixed up and you feel somewhat insane.  Not too mention what your body is going through (but that isn't what this post is about - your welcome).   

The people that come to your aide during this time, do it completely unselfishly and without any gain.  First, there is your husband.  Rob took care of everything that I wasn't consumed with.  And I love him for it.  However, I also expected it from him because he's my husband and the baby's father, that is his role, right.  Then there are the grandparents, who are amazing. They bring you food, watch the baby once in a while during the day so you can nap, help with chores, take care of the dog while you are in the hospital, but again you kind of expected it (especially if you have the type of parents that we do) because they are your parents and you are still their baby and they want to take care of you.  And they remember how you are feeling - even if they went through it 30 years ago.  

But what surprised me more were the people who stepped up during this time that I didn't really expect.  That friend who is also a mom and completely understands what you are going through, so she takes the time to bake or send you food, without expecting to visit for 2 hours.  Or your sister-in-law who has three kids of her own but took the time to bring you dinner one of your first nights home and she answers your calls and texts all hours of the day and night when you have questions about breast feeding.  Or your childhood friend, who no matter how far apart you live makes an effort to be there for you for all of your life events.  

Then there are also those moments that you have when people you never thought would, let you down.   Those people that you needed to rely on and showed you no support.  The ones that question your parenting decisions or limit interactions to likes on pictures of your new baby on FaceBook.  The ones that you used to stay up all night in college with having "deep" conversations, that you called every time you needed a good cry, that you thought would be your closest confidante forever, but made absolutely no effort to be there during the biggest time in your life.  The ones that you tried to call when you were having a melt down and didn't pick up or never even returned a call.  Never made an effort to meet the newest most important person in your life.  

The other piece of bread - Thank you to all those people in my life who did everything and more than I ever could have expected.  Thank you to those childless friends of mine, that even though they couldn't personally relate to my experience, still wanted to hear all about it, get to know my son, and showed me that they are true friends.  Those people who will reschedule plans with me, the day of, multiple times because B-Man has slept too long, or is fussy, or needs a nap.  Instead of the ones who just say, "I would never let my child dictate my schedule," or "I will never be that kind of parent." Those friends that will take long walks with me on the days that he will only nap in the stroller. Those friends who see something in a store that they think Bryce will like and surprise him.  The friend that already has a Christmas gift for him in 2014, even though there is no reason she has to buy him a gift at all.  

You all know who you are! 

No More Mr. Mom: The Stigma of Stay At Home Dads

Since having little B-Man and even prior to, when I was pregnant, I became an avid reader of several sites in the mommy blog-o-sphere.  I have read a countless number posts and various opinions regarding the debate between being a working mom versus a stay at home mom.  One extremists opinion, regarding how little boys will resent their working mothers, sent me to tears (not the good kind).  It has taken me Bryce's whole first year to become comfortable with my choice of being a working mom.  

When Rob and I became serious, but before we were married, I made it clear that I wanted to stay in the workforce after having kids, but at that point I am not sure either of us were even certain that we wanted children.  When we got married I was only 26 and was in the midst of getting my MBA part time and working full time.  I was no where close to being in the position at work that I wanted to be.  Also, shortly after getting married, Rob decided he wanted to go back to school to get his bachelor's degree in Physical Education.   A few years later when we decided to have kids and got pregnant, Rob and I talked a lot about how we wanted to raise "baby I" (we didn't know Bryce was a boy at that point).  At that point I still wanted to work.  That said, just because I wanted to stay in the workforce and continue on a career path that I worked really hard to create, didn't make it any easier leaving my adorable B-man at home.  What did help was that I was leaving him in the very capable hands of his loving father.

I digress, this post was not meant to be about how great a dad Rob is (even though he is), or my decision to work and the many emotions that came along with that decision.  Rather it was meant to talk about the stigma of stay at home dads.

What prompted this post was a comment by a co-worker.  She said to me, something to the effect of, "having the full financial burden must be really hard"...continued by the look.  You know the one...where someone pities the situation you are in.  Now I can definitively say, that no man or woman I work with would say anything similar to the 90% (that's a guess, its probably closer to 100%) of men that I work with, whose wifely counterparts are stay at home moms.  And this isn't the first time Rob or I have gotten a comment or look for being slightly unconventional, though trendy (the number of stay at home dads in one of the largest increasing groups).  

I know, as a society, we judge each other on a constant basis, but isn't having a child supposed to be the great equalizer.  I mean we all struggle with sleepless nights, teething, worrying, sicknesses and so much more.  I haven't met a family yet that hasn't struggled with the decision of whether to have two working parents, a stay at home parent or some combination of the two.  No matter the decision, the struggle is both emotional and financial.

So seriously, cut the shit people.  We have to stop the looks, the comments and the inquisitions because everyone is just doing the best they can to raise their little people to become someone that makes a difference in this world.  Anyways, don't stay at home dads have it hard enough as it is.  I mean there aren't as many stay at home daddy groups (though there are some), there are no daddy and me yoga classes and most men's rooms don't even have changing tables.  

My First Night Away From B-Man

Bryce turned 1 year old at the beginning of January and I had yet to spend a single night away from him.  The thought of it still leaves my heart aching.  But the time had come.  I had to go to NYC on a business trip for one night.  This seems like the perfect first time away, because a) its only one night and b) he will be staying home with Daddy, so there are no worries about the level of care he will get while I am away. The only thing is its not really just one night...its more like 1 night and three days.  I left on a Tuesday before he wakes up, am away Tuesday night, and didn't get home until after he was asleep on Wednesday.  This means I don't see him when he is actually awake until I get home from work on Thursday.  So here is how it went.

Tuesday morning didn't start off so well.  I woke up super early so that I could drive into work and not have to extend all my traveling my using the commuter rail and/or T.  Brilliantly, at 6am, I thought I could sneak into Bryce's room and just take a quick peak whisper goodbye and blow him a kiss before I left. EPIC FAIL. Somehow the sleeping angel on the monitor woke up when I went in to say goodbye. I am totally going to blame the dog who decided to try to follow me into his room.  I swear you could vaccuum right outside his door, but one click of Daisy's nails on the floor and B-Man's eyes snap open.  So instead of leaving for my trip with the image of an angelic Bryce cuddling his lovie, I instead left Rob to deal with a crying, overtired, bouncing toddler at 6am.  Oops - sorry hunny.

So after a full day at work, a more than 3 hour train ride, I arrived in NYC.  Immediately after stepping onto the crowded street outside of Penn Station, I felt better.  New York tends to have that effect on me.  I got a hot chocolate and walked around the city for a bit.  Then when I got to the hotel I indulged, getting a massage, ordering room service, taking a bath, watching insanely stupid TV, then it was Bryce's bedtime.  Bryce and Rob FaceTime'd to say goodnight, which was sweet, but I was jealous, because I am usually the one that gets to put him to bed every night.  The minute we hung up, the tears hit me immediately and of course I didn't sleep all night.

The next day was easier because I was engaged in work all day, then I had another 3+ hour train ride home with a very nosy and talkative passenger sitting next to me, who saw a picture of Bryce on my IPad and took that as an invitation to tell me all about her 16 year old son who has an attitude problem and to enjoy my baby boy while he is little. 

I got home that night, checked on BMan and it took everything in my power not to wake him up to give him a hug.  Go to work one more day, come home all excited to see Bryce, and he could barely give me a second glance when I walked through the door.  Daisy and his toys were much more exciting.  All that worry and it didn't bother him in the least.  Guess those mommy attachment days are starting to get better :(

So I have a few more trips this year where I will have to be away...a few lessons learned and hopefully I can handle them better. Bryce - well he will be just fine. 

A Letter to My One Year Old Son

My Dearest Bryce,

I wrote you a letter soon after you were born.  Back then I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me.  Back then I couldn't even have imagined how great of a little guy you were going to turn into this year.  You have completely surpassed all my expectations.  There are so many memories from this past year that I wish I could relive over and over again.  We have had so many firsts together as a family.  I can't believe all that you learned this past year and how different you are from the little baby that they placed on my chest a year ago today.  The one who immediately lifted his head and looked me right in the eye, as if to say "You ready for this mama."  You learned to roll over, crawl, walk, and make your fist basketball shot. Your had first foods, got teeth, gave hugs, kisses, smiles, laughs, tears and had sicknesses.  In the last two weeks alone you had your first Christmas, ear infection, fat lip, new years eve, full body rash and birthday.

I have learned a lot this past year as well.   I have learned the limitlessness of exhaustion.  I have learned to try to let go of my childless version of selfishness.  I have learned that when you are sick/tired/teething, I can hold you for hours even if my back says I can't.  I learned that I love your father more than I possibly thought I could on the day we got married, because in those moments when I see him rocking you to sleep, making you laugh, and just playing with you, my heart swells.  Seeing how much he loves you makes me love him even more.

I have loved exploring this world with you from an entirely new point of view, while you have been bundled at my hip, my chest, my back and shoulders and now walking by my side.  I thought I understood the world before you.  What it meant to be tired, to love, to put someone else first, to grow, to laugh and to learn, but having you has made these things so much more, so much different, so much truer. You added a dimension to life that I never could have dreamt of.

You have always looked like your father, had the mannerisms and temperament of your mother and the kind heart of your puppy, but you are you and no one else...you are perfect.  Like I tell you every night. You are kind, you are important, you are handsome and you are so smart.  I will love you always,  no matter what.

I love you to the moon and back Bryce and I always will,
Mommy