Body Image

This post was really hard to write because its something that I have really struggled with. I haven't really talked to any one about these feelings except my husband. I have had it in draft form for awhile, but here goes so that maybe all the other new mommy friends out there will know they are not alone. 

I have had some real issues with body image since having Bryce. And to some extent even beforehand, but I was always able to deal with it before. I know I am supposed to love this body and all of its battle scars for the amazing job it did growing this beautiful human being that I love more than anything else in life. And in some ways I do. I love that I can still remember the way he felt rolling around inside of my belly. I love when I see him stretch a certain way now, I can imagine him doing the same thing when I was pregnant and remember how that felt. I love that it produced a perfect little healthy boy who never stops smiling and laughing and enjoying life. 

I try to tell myself these things when I look in the mirror and the reflection is not what I want to see. I try to tell myself these things when I attempt to run three miles and it feels like I ran 20.  I try to tell myself what this body has been through when I wish I was still running half marathons. 

I had a healthy pregnancy, ate healthy and gained a healthy 30 pounds and have even lost some 30 plus since Bryce was born. But it's doesn't perform the way it used to and it doesn't look the way it used to. I was prepared to gain weight, I was prepared for the incredible pain and ensuing happiness of labor and child birth, I was prepared for sleepless nights, trouble with breast feeding, and dirty diapers. What I wasn't prepared for was how hard it was going to be to recover. All of the recovery...from the initial physical recovery, the emotional recovery, and now the "fitness" recovery (for lack of a better term).  I know it takes hard work and drive and I am the first to admit that I am not working out the way I should so maybe I shouldn't complain, but it is so discouraging to get ready to have an intense workout and not be able to perform the way I feel I should. Or to set out to run one distance and only be able to make it half way. 

So here's to starting over and starting small and trying to learn how to become me again. How to become the level of fit I was and to embracing this new body in whatever form it is. And here's to working towards not just the physical health, but an emotional state where a weekend in a bathing suit doesn't bring me to tears. 

6 Months with Bryce Davis

As I was putting Bryce to sleep tonight, I couldn't help but think no parent has ever loved their child this much.  Obviously, I realized that every parent feels this way, naturally, but I was overcome.  As Bryce slept in my arms and I continued to rock him to the lullaby's playing on the iPod, I couldn't bring myself to put him down in the crib for the night. I just wanted to hold him forever.  I thought to myself, I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life.  This face, this tiny little guy in my arms.  I studied every crevice, every smile, every little feature that I finally realized won't stay little for very long. My little boys was already 6 months old, and already so different from the little (or big) 9 pounder when he was born.

I can't believe how fast the last 6 months have gone by.  We are half way to Bryce's first birthday.  Its crazy.  Bryce met so many milestones these last two months.  He has two teeth.  Is moving around (rolling and army crawling) like crazy.  He has grown out of his bucket car seat and the swing that he loves so much (*tear).  The swing was a saving grace to us the last year and was Bryce's favorite place to nap.

Our last picture of Bryce all cozy in his swing

The last three months have been such a different experience than the first three months, as I have gone back to work.  There have been a lot of highs and lows in these months (but mostly highs) as I have struggled to find a new identity in the working mom category.  So much of motherhood and being a working mom has been better than I ever could have imagined.  Bryce's face lights up when I get home from work and he reaches out for me to pick him up.  He nuzzles his face into my shoulder as if saying "I am so glad you are home" or "I missed you mom".  Bryce laughs so much now.  He is so happy and its infectious.  My time with him is so precious now that I make a huge effort to really be there when I am home.  I can't remember where I read this, but it is something that really stuck with me. "Unconditional attention is just as important as love sometimes.” 

A lot of the last few months have also been harder than I was expecting.  Going to work everyday is a constant struggle.  I want to work, but it so hard to leave Bryce.  Most days, now that Bryce is sleeping later, he is still asleep and I don't get to see him before I leave at 6:30am.  That's hard because I don't get to say good morning and give him a big hug and kiss (until we Facetime later on with Rob).  He is so cuddly and smiley in the morning I hate missing out on that.  On the other hand, on the days when I either voluntarily take a later train, or Bryce wakes up early, I love getting to see him, but then I have to say goodbye.  Its so much harder to leave when he is staring at me and smiling or playing as I am walking out the door.  I suppose I can't win either way.  As a fellow blogger so eloquently put it, "The truth is there is no such thing as balance.  On occasion, there is a decent blend." Though as my emotions continue to be all over the place (recall my post partum bi-polar disorder post), I am continuing to navigate this motherhood job and more specific the working mom title with each day. 

To my dearest Bryce:  These past six months have been the best of my life.  Each and every day you make me laugh and cry tears of joy.  My favorite sound is your laugh, my favorite site is your smile, my favorite touch is your hugs, and my favorite smell is your sweet skin after a bath.  You continue to brighten up our world and are such a fun little boy.  Even at such a young age you bring so much happiness and laughter where ever you are, (just ask all the old ladies that the grocery store who can't stay away from you).  I can't wait to see what the next six months (and beyond) have in store for you.

Milestones:
Sitting up on your own
Army crawling everywhere.  You really make it around!
Two teeth
Lots of first foods.  You eat a lot!
Finger foods
A lot of baby babble including Da Da
High fiving
Standing while holding on to objects
Growing out of everything
Met all my Florida cousins
First trip to the zoo
First trip to the beach and many trips to York, ME

Here is some Bryce cuteness:

Judgement Free

I was sitting in the chair at my hairdressers for a long overdue hair cut and she was chatting me up as usual.  Asking about Bryce, motherhood, how my husband is as a new father...Pretty much everything under the sun.  Hair stylists, I have found throughout the years, are by far the most personable people and sometimes the best therapists.  I was sharing with her the same things I share with my best friends, even though I only see her 3 - 4 times a year.  Besides being the best hair stylist I have ever gone to she also so easily gets me to open up and at the same time she tells me all the details of her private life. She seems to keep nothing back.  She told me about multiple miscarriages (she is currently pregnant) and, in depth, troubling times that she had within her marriage.  The details are not important, but what I noticed was how self confident she was when she talked about the unglamorous (yes I know that is not a word) times in her adult life.  She spoke about these things not as disappointments or hardships, but instead with pride as to how they got her to where she is today.  I am not sure I have ever met a more self confident and self aware woman in my life.  What I also realized was that anything I told her, even things that I am not the most proud of, she did not judge me.  Now I mean this truly.  She wasn't nice on the outside and thinking to herself "Oh wow, I can't believe she parents like that" etc. She honestly believed the things she said back to me, like "whatever works for you in and your family is what you should do..." (though it was more sincere than that sounds).

Besides leaving the salon sans split ends and with a perfect blowout, I left feeling more confident about myself as a woman/mother/wife/person than I had in months.  Since I have had Bryce, I have read countless articles about how women and, in particular mothers, judge each other about everything - breastfeeding or not, losing pregnancy weight too fast or too slow, sleep tactics (cry it out or not),  types of baby food, nap times, TV time, bed times, schooling, working mother, stay home mother, etc - the list is never ending.  It doesn't matter, whatever you chose to do for your child, there is someone out there that seemed to be judging.  Now I don't mean in a "you are a horrible mother" type of way, but more in a "I would have done it different" way.  Most people don't even mean anything by what they say, but that doesn't mean you feel less "judged".  It was so refreshing to listen to a woman who made her choices in life, and accepted that she was doing the best she can for her family.  She wasn't apologetic and she didn't feel the need to defend herself.  I left the salon that day with a new outlook on life, not only will I be less critical of myself as a mother/wife/employee/woman etc, but also be less critical of others.  Because it also made me realize that I was guilty at times (especially before I had a child of my own) of judging others and their choices as well, and I didn't even realize I was doing it.  That's the problem though right,  usually most people don't mean anything by it.  I don't think anyone is that mean spirited on purpose, but its the subconscious.  Its the unintended facial expression or the probing questions.  Sometimes it isn't even judgement per say, but that is how the other person is made to feel regardless of intent.  So lets just all be judgement free in this crazy journey of parenting.