No More Mr. Mom: The Stigma of Stay At Home Dads

Since having little B-Man and even prior to, when I was pregnant, I became an avid reader of several sites in the mommy blog-o-sphere.  I have read a countless number posts and various opinions regarding the debate between being a working mom versus a stay at home mom.  One extremists opinion, regarding how little boys will resent their working mothers, sent me to tears (not the good kind).  It has taken me Bryce's whole first year to become comfortable with my choice of being a working mom.  

When Rob and I became serious, but before we were married, I made it clear that I wanted to stay in the workforce after having kids, but at that point I am not sure either of us were even certain that we wanted children.  When we got married I was only 26 and was in the midst of getting my MBA part time and working full time.  I was no where close to being in the position at work that I wanted to be.  Also, shortly after getting married, Rob decided he wanted to go back to school to get his bachelor's degree in Physical Education.   A few years later when we decided to have kids and got pregnant, Rob and I talked a lot about how we wanted to raise "baby I" (we didn't know Bryce was a boy at that point).  At that point I still wanted to work.  That said, just because I wanted to stay in the workforce and continue on a career path that I worked really hard to create, didn't make it any easier leaving my adorable B-man at home.  What did help was that I was leaving him in the very capable hands of his loving father.

I digress, this post was not meant to be about how great a dad Rob is (even though he is), or my decision to work and the many emotions that came along with that decision.  Rather it was meant to talk about the stigma of stay at home dads.

What prompted this post was a comment by a co-worker.  She said to me, something to the effect of, "having the full financial burden must be really hard"...continued by the look.  You know the one...where someone pities the situation you are in.  Now I can definitively say, that no man or woman I work with would say anything similar to the 90% (that's a guess, its probably closer to 100%) of men that I work with, whose wifely counterparts are stay at home moms.  And this isn't the first time Rob or I have gotten a comment or look for being slightly unconventional, though trendy (the number of stay at home dads in one of the largest increasing groups).  

I know, as a society, we judge each other on a constant basis, but isn't having a child supposed to be the great equalizer.  I mean we all struggle with sleepless nights, teething, worrying, sicknesses and so much more.  I haven't met a family yet that hasn't struggled with the decision of whether to have two working parents, a stay at home parent or some combination of the two.  No matter the decision, the struggle is both emotional and financial.

So seriously, cut the shit people.  We have to stop the looks, the comments and the inquisitions because everyone is just doing the best they can to raise their little people to become someone that makes a difference in this world.  Anyways, don't stay at home dads have it hard enough as it is.  I mean there aren't as many stay at home daddy groups (though there are some), there are no daddy and me yoga classes and most men's rooms don't even have changing tables.  

My First Night Away From B-Man

Bryce turned 1 year old at the beginning of January and I had yet to spend a single night away from him.  The thought of it still leaves my heart aching.  But the time had come.  I had to go to NYC on a business trip for one night.  This seems like the perfect first time away, because a) its only one night and b) he will be staying home with Daddy, so there are no worries about the level of care he will get while I am away. The only thing is its not really just one night...its more like 1 night and three days.  I left on a Tuesday before he wakes up, am away Tuesday night, and didn't get home until after he was asleep on Wednesday.  This means I don't see him when he is actually awake until I get home from work on Thursday.  So here is how it went.

Tuesday morning didn't start off so well.  I woke up super early so that I could drive into work and not have to extend all my traveling my using the commuter rail and/or T.  Brilliantly, at 6am, I thought I could sneak into Bryce's room and just take a quick peak whisper goodbye and blow him a kiss before I left. EPIC FAIL. Somehow the sleeping angel on the monitor woke up when I went in to say goodbye. I am totally going to blame the dog who decided to try to follow me into his room.  I swear you could vaccuum right outside his door, but one click of Daisy's nails on the floor and B-Man's eyes snap open.  So instead of leaving for my trip with the image of an angelic Bryce cuddling his lovie, I instead left Rob to deal with a crying, overtired, bouncing toddler at 6am.  Oops - sorry hunny.

So after a full day at work, a more than 3 hour train ride, I arrived in NYC.  Immediately after stepping onto the crowded street outside of Penn Station, I felt better.  New York tends to have that effect on me.  I got a hot chocolate and walked around the city for a bit.  Then when I got to the hotel I indulged, getting a massage, ordering room service, taking a bath, watching insanely stupid TV, then it was Bryce's bedtime.  Bryce and Rob FaceTime'd to say goodnight, which was sweet, but I was jealous, because I am usually the one that gets to put him to bed every night.  The minute we hung up, the tears hit me immediately and of course I didn't sleep all night.

The next day was easier because I was engaged in work all day, then I had another 3+ hour train ride home with a very nosy and talkative passenger sitting next to me, who saw a picture of Bryce on my IPad and took that as an invitation to tell me all about her 16 year old son who has an attitude problem and to enjoy my baby boy while he is little. 

I got home that night, checked on BMan and it took everything in my power not to wake him up to give him a hug.  Go to work one more day, come home all excited to see Bryce, and he could barely give me a second glance when I walked through the door.  Daisy and his toys were much more exciting.  All that worry and it didn't bother him in the least.  Guess those mommy attachment days are starting to get better :(

So I have a few more trips this year where I will have to be away...a few lessons learned and hopefully I can handle them better. Bryce - well he will be just fine. 

A Letter to My One Year Old Son

My Dearest Bryce,

I wrote you a letter soon after you were born.  Back then I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to me.  Back then I couldn't even have imagined how great of a little guy you were going to turn into this year.  You have completely surpassed all my expectations.  There are so many memories from this past year that I wish I could relive over and over again.  We have had so many firsts together as a family.  I can't believe all that you learned this past year and how different you are from the little baby that they placed on my chest a year ago today.  The one who immediately lifted his head and looked me right in the eye, as if to say "You ready for this mama."  You learned to roll over, crawl, walk, and make your fist basketball shot. Your had first foods, got teeth, gave hugs, kisses, smiles, laughs, tears and had sicknesses.  In the last two weeks alone you had your first Christmas, ear infection, fat lip, new years eve, full body rash and birthday.

I have learned a lot this past year as well.   I have learned the limitlessness of exhaustion.  I have learned to try to let go of my childless version of selfishness.  I have learned that when you are sick/tired/teething, I can hold you for hours even if my back says I can't.  I learned that I love your father more than I possibly thought I could on the day we got married, because in those moments when I see him rocking you to sleep, making you laugh, and just playing with you, my heart swells.  Seeing how much he loves you makes me love him even more.

I have loved exploring this world with you from an entirely new point of view, while you have been bundled at my hip, my chest, my back and shoulders and now walking by my side.  I thought I understood the world before you.  What it meant to be tired, to love, to put someone else first, to grow, to laugh and to learn, but having you has made these things so much more, so much different, so much truer. You added a dimension to life that I never could have dreamt of.

You have always looked like your father, had the mannerisms and temperament of your mother and the kind heart of your puppy, but you are you and no one else...you are perfect.  Like I tell you every night. You are kind, you are important, you are handsome and you are so smart.  I will love you always,  no matter what.

I love you to the moon and back Bryce and I always will,
Mommy