Fear

I thank God every day for my life, my family and my beautiful children. Then I live in constant fear of it being ripped away. I read the newspaper everyday and scroll through Facebook.  I see these tragedies and every one seems worse than the next. I even do it to myself by watching these insane shows like SVU and Grey's Anatomy.  Then I spend a rainy Saturday with my son singing and dancing around the living room while my daughter runs back and forth between me, her dad and her dog giving hugs and I burst into tears. Because I realize how lucky I am and how in an instant my life would be over if any one of these horrible headlines happened to me.

I have never experienced a real tragedy in my life. Nothing that hasn't followed the normal circle of life and just that is hard enough.  But there have been tragedies have I have had to watch others endure.  They were always close enough that they shook me to the core. Made me weep for the families, but never close enough to impact my daily life.

More often these days, I find myself imagining my family in these situations- accidental death, debilitating disease, terror attack, commuter rail crash, freak accident, school and playground shootings and I find myself practically hyperventilating.

I don't know what the solution is. Do I quit Facebook, stop reading the newspaper, don't watch the local news, or ever turn on the tv for that matter?  Because these headlines are not going away. How do I live in this world? And, more importantly, how do I parent in it?  Some would say to focus on the good in the world.  I get that.  But I only have to look in my living room, talk to my kids at the dinner table, hug my husband after a long day, or look at their angel faces while they sleep to see all the good in this world.  But only one headline is needed to blacken all of this light.

My son's preschool is in the bottom floor of a high school. It's the most amazing school. I love the teachers and how much he loves it there.  But I worry sick that he is on the same campus as high schoolers. What if one of them is mentally unstable, didn't take needed medication that day,  not getting the helped they need or are just plain pissed off and decide to take away my happiness, my reason for living, my everything.

Am I supposed to change my life,  make my family live a different life so we can fear less.

I am living in fear and I am pissed!