Body Image

This post was really hard to write because its something that I have really struggled with. I haven't really talked to any one about these feelings except my husband. I have had it in draft form for awhile, but here goes so that maybe all the other new mommy friends out there will know they are not alone. 

I have had some real issues with body image since having Bryce. And to some extent even beforehand, but I was always able to deal with it before. I know I am supposed to love this body and all of its battle scars for the amazing job it did growing this beautiful human being that I love more than anything else in life. And in some ways I do. I love that I can still remember the way he felt rolling around inside of my belly. I love when I see him stretch a certain way now, I can imagine him doing the same thing when I was pregnant and remember how that felt. I love that it produced a perfect little healthy boy who never stops smiling and laughing and enjoying life. 

I try to tell myself these things when I look in the mirror and the reflection is not what I want to see. I try to tell myself these things when I attempt to run three miles and it feels like I ran 20.  I try to tell myself what this body has been through when I wish I was still running half marathons. 

I had a healthy pregnancy, ate healthy and gained a healthy 30 pounds and have even lost some 30 plus since Bryce was born. But it's doesn't perform the way it used to and it doesn't look the way it used to. I was prepared to gain weight, I was prepared for the incredible pain and ensuing happiness of labor and child birth, I was prepared for sleepless nights, trouble with breast feeding, and dirty diapers. What I wasn't prepared for was how hard it was going to be to recover. All of the recovery...from the initial physical recovery, the emotional recovery, and now the "fitness" recovery (for lack of a better term).  I know it takes hard work and drive and I am the first to admit that I am not working out the way I should so maybe I shouldn't complain, but it is so discouraging to get ready to have an intense workout and not be able to perform the way I feel I should. Or to set out to run one distance and only be able to make it half way. 

So here's to starting over and starting small and trying to learn how to become me again. How to become the level of fit I was and to embracing this new body in whatever form it is. And here's to working towards not just the physical health, but an emotional state where a weekend in a bathing suit doesn't bring me to tears.