This Working Mom Thing Is Hard
Having a child is the great equalizer. Time becomes more precious than ever. I’m forced to distill each thing I do that doesn’t involve Bryce down to its core and then decide whether or not that core is something that is worth spending time away from him for. This is a major question for me: how will I balance this new life? This life as a mom. How do I shape it into the existence that both fulfills me as a human and fulfills my job as a mother?
I like my job (mostly). I like what I do (mostly). I want to work (mostly). I truly believe this, but everyday I wish I didn't have to leave in the mornings, especially those mornings that I leave before Bryce even wakes up. I miss him immensely all day long. I think about him constantly. And when an hour goes by where I am so involved in my work that I don't think about him, I feel instantly guilty.
Life after maternity leave has been a constant struggle of how I want to spend my time. After a long day of work, is it wrong to go on a 45 minute run to clear my head and get back my pre-baby body, when I only have 2-3 hours at most to spend with Bryce before he goes to sleep. If I take Bryce with me in the jogging stroller is that actually quality time with him. I have never experienced this type of struggle before of how to spend my time. I never realized how many different directions I could be pulled in. Needing/wanting to work, seeing our little boy as often as I can, spending time on me to just get some time in to work out, getting some alone time with my husband, and fitting family and friends into the mix. No big revelations here, except I just didn't realize...
A Yellow Pair of Pajamas
Stolen from a fellow blogger...
"Let me just say this. If you haven’t watched your child sleep in awhile, I encourage you to do so. Creep in quietly and gaze at the peace on your child’s beautiful face. And then look at those pajamas. Those particular pajamas are only here for a season. A season. But that is not meant to make you sad. Oh no, that is meant to make you feel hopeful.
Despite what happened last season, today begins a new season. Today you are waking up to what matters in life. And whether those pajamas have pandas, Ninja Turtles, or superheroes, stop and gaze at that precious human being and remember, your children will eventually outgrow those pajamas—but they will never outgrow your love."
I know, I know, kids get bigger and eventually grow up. And they do it fast. Especially babies. Every few weeks I am carrying a bunch of clothes that Bryce has grown out of to the bins in the basement. Every time I stop and show Rob the cute little outfits and Pj's that our little boy can no longer wear. Every time I shed a little tear because every outfit has a memory. Whether it be an actual milestone or just an extra cuddly day. At first the saddest one was when Bryce grew out of his home coming outfit. Then it was the Celtic's onzie that I had bought Rob and gave to him to tell him we were having a baby, then it was the cute newborn or 3 month outfits that he never even got to wear because it was easier to put him in a sleeper everyday. It was sad/funny/disgusting when he so massively pooped through his only "I Love Mommy" onzie and I had to just throw it away.
But the hardest of all was a yellow pair of fleece pajamas with white ducks...
There wasn't anything particularly unique or special about these Pj's except the way Bryce looked in them. I dressed him in these anytime they were clean and in the closet. They were ultra soft and made Bryce look so innocent and angelic. These were 3 month sized so when he fit in them he was still waking up for a feeding or two during the night. I can remember how this particular sleeper felt against my bare skin as Bryce nursed himself back to sleep cuddled up so close. I remember how innocent and precious he looked in them when I came to get him in the morning and he would smile at me. I remember how he looked in them as he screamed his head off because he was hungry or tired (of course that's one of the only pictures I have of him in them). When I think about those first few months, I picture Bryce in these Pj's and it brings an instant smile to my face. I kept him in this outfit way too long. I knew they didn't fit, but I couldn't bring myself to put them in the basement. I knew they didn't fit, but I put him in them to sleep at night anyways. I even put him in them and left buttons undone so that he would be more comfortable, but so I could see him in them one last time. The yellow fleece onzie is now in the basement with the rest of the newborn, three month and some six month clothes (yes people my five month old son is wearing nine month clothing), but every now and then I still go down stairs, dig it out and put it to my cheek, taking in his sweet scent.
I Call It - Postpartum Bi Polar Disorder
They say they you experience the "baby blues" or postpartum depression in the first three months. I would like to say to the all knowing "they" you are wrong. Each mom is different and I have found that I have been much more emotional (highs and lows) post my three month maternity leave. First of all, every morning (Monday - Thursday) I struggle with the fact that I have to leave Bryce. Whether he is in daycare or home with Rob, I hate knowing that I am going to miss out on everything he does that day. What he laughs at, why he cries, watching him sleep. This makes me emotionally crazy. If he had a good day I am sad that I missed it, but happy he is happy. If he has a bad day, I am upset that I am not there to help and make him feel better. The only time I feel at ease is when he is right there next to me.
With every milestone I want to laugh, smile and cry simultaneously. Our little boy has grown up so much in the last five months (see Milestones below). With each one I am so happy and proud of the new thing that Bryce is able to do, but at the same time it makes me sad of what he is leaving behind. For example, starting solid foods was so much fun to watch him taste something he has never had before. For the record his favorite so far seems to be pears and his least favorite is peas. It was fascinating to watch him learn how to process something foreign in his mouth, chew and swallow. Then a few weeks after starting food he cut his first tooth. This made me sort of sad, because soon he will have more teeth and be closer to eating "regular people" food, which means I will have to stop nursing sooner than it seems. I am not a passionate/extreme "Breast is Best" advocate and I believe that every mom does what is best for their own child whether it be breast milk or formula. I personally chose to breast feed because of the baby/mommy health benefits, cheaper cost and because it was easy for me (I know for some it is not). I am, however, surprised by the intense connection that nursing has provided me with my son. I am proud that I am able to provide the nourishment he needs. It makes me feel important when a nursing session is the only thing that can calm him when he is fussy or when he wakes up in the middle of the night, even if he isn't hungry the act of nursing immediately relaxes him. As I am not someone who plans to breast feed past the age of 1, it makes me sad that we only have a short time of this kind of relationship left.
When Bryce started rolling over and doing a military crawl (more like a scooching during tummy time) I laughed and clapped, it was as if he found a cure for cancer. Then I cried, because Bryce was now mobile. Besides the challenges this presents (MUST BABY PROOF THE HOUSE) - such as no longer being able to leave him in his activity mat while I throw in a load of laundry - this also meant that my baby could get where he wanted to go without me. It also meant that he became super fidgety. Which means less cuddling, sleeping on my chest and just less time holding him. Right when the first tear rolled, Bryce lifted his arms up saying "pick me up" and buried his head in my shoulder, which obviously given my hormonal, postpartum, woman status, made me cry more.
So Many Milestones
Smiling
Laughing
Rolling Over
Using the Jumper
Starting Solids
First Tooth
Military Crawl/scooching (ish)
More I have probably forgotten...tear
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