Fear

I thank God every day for my life, my family and my beautiful children. Then I live in constant fear of it being ripped away. I read the newspaper everyday and scroll through Facebook.  I see these tragedies and every one seems worse than the next. I even do it to myself by watching these insane shows like SVU and Grey's Anatomy.  Then I spend a rainy Saturday with my son singing and dancing around the living room while my daughter runs back and forth between me, her dad and her dog giving hugs and I burst into tears. Because I realize how lucky I am and how in an instant my life would be over if any one of these horrible headlines happened to me.

I have never experienced a real tragedy in my life. Nothing that hasn't followed the normal circle of life and just that is hard enough.  But there have been tragedies have I have had to watch others endure.  They were always close enough that they shook me to the core. Made me weep for the families, but never close enough to impact my daily life.

More often these days, I find myself imagining my family in these situations- accidental death, debilitating disease, terror attack, commuter rail crash, freak accident, school and playground shootings and I find myself practically hyperventilating.

I don't know what the solution is. Do I quit Facebook, stop reading the newspaper, don't watch the local news, or ever turn on the tv for that matter?  Because these headlines are not going away. How do I live in this world? And, more importantly, how do I parent in it?  Some would say to focus on the good in the world.  I get that.  But I only have to look in my living room, talk to my kids at the dinner table, hug my husband after a long day, or look at their angel faces while they sleep to see all the good in this world.  But only one headline is needed to blacken all of this light.

My son's preschool is in the bottom floor of a high school. It's the most amazing school. I love the teachers and how much he loves it there.  But I worry sick that he is on the same campus as high schoolers. What if one of them is mentally unstable, didn't take needed medication that day,  not getting the helped they need or are just plain pissed off and decide to take away my happiness, my reason for living, my everything.

Am I supposed to change my life,  make my family live a different life so we can fear less.

I am living in fear and I am pissed!

A Letter to my One Year Old Daughter

My Dearest Alexis,

It is so hard to sum up the last year into words. You are one whole year old.  I haven't written a blog post this entire year. (Though I do have one started and not finished about the day you were born and my amazing maternity leave with you.)  I didn't write down every milestone and I haven't even started your baby book.  Its not because I don't remember them (I promise I think about them everyday and often look back at pictures and videos on my phone and see how fast you have grown.)  However, I wrote your brother a letter on his first birthday and that is one tradition that I must do for you as well.

There is so much that I want to tell you.  First, you completed this family in a way we didn't even know we needed.  When we moved out of our first house, I was very sad to leave the place where we brought your brother home, where he took his first steps and learned how to crawl up stairs.  While we loved our new house and neighborhood, it never quite felt like home.....until you arrived.  You brought us home when we brought you back from the hospital.  Thank you for that.

There is a special bond between a mother and daughter, but its different than what I felt with your brother when he was a baby. The same love, but a different kind of more complicated bond.  Its more complicated, but just as wonderful and just as hard to explain.  The intense feelings of love I have for you, those are the same as how I feel about your brother.  I love you both exactly the same....and completely different.  Nothing will ever change that.  I love you for who you are and who you will become, no matter who that is.  But my hopes and dreams for you are different, because I can draw on my own life as a woman and realize what I truly hope for you.

I hope that you can be whoever you want to be.  I hope that you never feel pressure to be someone/thing you are not.  Because you are wonderful and the only Alexis Katherine Iosua in the world.  Be her and no one else.  I already know you are amazing.  I can see it in your eyes, feel it in your hugs and hear it in your laughter.  I can't wait to see who you grow into.

I hope that all of my fears for your future are unwarranted.  Of course, I fear for your brother too, but its different.  I hope that you never have to fear for your safety simply because you are a girl and someday a woman.  I hope that your father and I teach you to respect yourself and demand that same respect from others.  I hope that you will never have to know this same fear for your daughter.

My hopes for you are different than those that I have have for your brother too.  I hope that you get to know what it is to be a mother (but know its ok if you choose not to and that it is your choice alone.) However, the love of a mother for her children is unparralled.  You will never feel that love for someone else, not your spouse, not your brother, not even your father and me.  This kind of love is indescribable.  But it is intense...man is it intense.  Its an intensity that will grip you.  I hope you can handle the intensity of these feelings with grace and I hope that you know that you are not alone.  I am here for you.  For all of it. Always.

So my darling Lexi Girl, as you turn 1, while I am admittedly a bit sad that your baby moments are behind us and over these last few weeks I have shed a few tears mourning their disappearance, I am comforted by all that lies ahead.  I want you to know, I am here for you, through it all.  I will be honest with you and help you navigate this world so that you can be you, whoever that ends up being.  Because you are perfect, you are unique, and you are a girl.

I love you,
Mommy

"Do you want to be the power in the world?  Then be yourself."  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Baby Number 2 Is All About Baby Number 1.

When we found out we were pregnant with baby number 2, who we are affectionately calling Baby A, my first thought was about Bryce. How is he going to handle having a little brother or sister?  Unfortunately, I don't think B was made to be the oldest child, his personality makes him fit to be the youngest for sure, but he has no choice. All the planning so far has been mostly about Bryce. Even so much as refusing to have the baby's name start with a "b" because that is was we call Bryce, "b" or "b-man".  

Everything is different with this pregnancy. Friends, family and even other bloggers warned me it would be and I thought no way. But it has been. For example. I am almost 17 weeks and I haven't taken one bump picture yet - I took them every week with Bryce before I even had a bump.  I haven't written one blog, we haven't bought one thing and mostly I worry about the transition for Bryce.  

There are some great things about being pregnant the second time though. For example, I worry much less about all the things that can go wrong in labor and pregnancy, I just don't have time. I don't google every pain and feeling.  I am not scared about bringing the baby home. I know we will be able to handle a newborn. I don't worry about labor, or nursing, or whether the dog will eat the baby - all like I did with Bryce.  

The best part of the second pregnancy was how early I felt this baby move. I feel Baby A all the time, at this point with Bryce I still hadn't felt him. That's the only part of being pregnant that I ever really enjoyed (that and the long thick hair which is so cruelly taken away after birth). 

Another difference with this pregnancy is that I desperately feel the need to find out the sex of the baby, where with Bryce we didn't find out.  Rob doesn't quite feel the same way, but has given in for me (best Valentine's Day present). There are a few reasons that I really want to find out this time. First, some days I don't even think about the fact I am pregnant until I finally lay down in bed, and I think knowing the sex and thus what we will name him/her will make it more real and help me connect with the baby while I am pregnant.  Also getting the room ready will make me feel like I am doing something to prepare for this baby. And, honestly, I was on so many drugs that the surprise of Bryce being a boy when he was born was a little hectic. I didn't hear the doctor tell us he was a boy, then when the nurse held him up for me to see there was so much going on that I still couldn't tell, I had to ask rob, who told me we had a son, which was honestly really special. But this time I have visions of telling Bryce he is having a brother or sister.

I know we will love this baby just as much as Bryce (I don't worry about that at all), but I can't help but feel a bit guilty about the lack of preparing and thinking about Baby A while I am pregnant. 

 

A Bittersweet Goodbye to Our Home and My Bright Yellow Kitchen

When we moved into the small cape house down a bumpy, dead end private way, we knew it wasn't going to be our forever home.  Even so, we excitedly put our mark on that house, making it our own.  From the bright yellow kitchen to the freshly painted nursery that would be filled quicker than we expected; to the accented fireplace wall, creaky stairs and the cluttered basement, I learned to love every inch of that place because it was our home.  A few weeks ago, as we packed up our boxes and got ready to vacate the house, I was stricken by how hard it was going to be to leave that place that I loved despite all of its shortfalls. 

While I was SO excited to move on to our new house and put the Iosua stamp on it and I love having the extra square footage, larger closets, stairs that don't creak when you walk up them and the master bathroom, I found myself tearing up at the thought of leaving our old house.

That little place is where we brought home our first baby, Daisy, and I worried about her nails scratching up our new floors.  Its where I found out I was pregnant, where I felt Bryce first kick, and where he cried for 12 hours straight his first night home.  Its where I nursed him; we rocked him; we calmed him; we loved him.  Its wear he had his first Christmas, First Birthday, learned to crawl, walk, talk and grew into our sweet little boy.  It makes me sad that our forever home will never know the sound of his infant cry, or see what he looks like in footed pajamas.  The stairs in the new house may not creak and wake him up from a nap, but they also won't be the stairs he learned to climb up and down for the first time.  

As I packed up the last of the boxes one night while Rob and Bryce had already left, I broke down in uncontrollable sobs.  When I drove away for the last time, tears were streaming down my cheeks, they had been making their appearance from time to time over the last few weeks.  Like last week when Bryce had an unusually hard time going to bed.  I rocked him to sleep looking around I suddenly became sad that his walls would no longer be the same mint patty green.  That his new room will be the bedroom of our little boy and not the nursery of our first baby.  I know I will drive by often and wonder what the new family who moved in has changed.  I hope they keep my kitchen that bright yellow.  It is with a heavy heart that I said goodbye to that house, that bumpy street, my favorite running trails, and the home that was so good to us.  Tonight as I soak in my new bath tub, all my own without any baby toys, (which will make me feel at least slightly better),  I will shed a few more tears for the loss of our first home that houses the memories of so many firsts.

An Interview with Our Stay at Home Dad

Last week I got an email from Rob titled "Stay at Home Dads".  He had read an article (link pasted below) and thought it would be fun to answer the same questions that the interviewer had asked the stay at home dads in the article.  I am not sure if he did that and sent it to me because he knew I would love the gesture, or to give me some insight about his feelings about being a stay at home dad (which I always ask him about), but either way it was a pleasant surprise and I loved reading it.  So here  is what he had to say about being a stay at home dad.

The Original article

http://mom.me/fun/11130-10-questions-youre-dying-ask-stay-home-dad/?icid=maing-grid7%7Cmain5%7Cdl17%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D445205

The Dads

In 2010, Rob Iosua decided to go back to school to get his degree in Physical Education.  A couple months before Rob was going to graduate, a new chapter would start in his life.  Rob and his wife were the proud parents of a baby boy named Bryce.  Luckily for him and his wife, Rob’s graduation and the end of his wife’s maternity leave coincided.  As a family they had a choice to make.  Do they both work and have their son in daycare or have Bryce’s father stay home and take care of him.  With the cost of good daycares being so expensive and the possible salary Rob could make just about covering the cost of daycare, the choice was made - he would stay home to take care of his son.  

What was something about being a stay-at-home dad that surprised you?

Thinking that I was pretty good at multitasking.  I thought that I would be able to do other duties around the house. But I quickly learned, at least so far at this age, that multi tasking was hard, and BRyce took up 100% of my attention and everything else came second (or not at all). 

Did you ever regret the decision?

Never!  There are days when 100 different things go wrong, he won’t eat, won't sleep, won't stay still for a diaper change and so much more, but there is that one moment, that may last only for a couple seconds, where he smiles and comes over for a hug and all of the sudden it’s the best day ever.  

What is the hardest part about being a stay-at-home dad?

Asking for help.  Being a stay-at-home dad, I feel that I am already at a disadvantage from the way other people think of us.  I know there are people out there who think dads can’t take care of their children as well as the child’s mother could.  This makes it tough for me to ask some people for help or even answers to questions about parenting.

Do you ever feel like the moms you interact with don’t take you seriously?

My son is still young so I haven’t really had the opportunity to have many play dates/gatherings with other kids and parents.  When I do meet other mothers and I tell them that I say home with Bryce I feel like they are trying to hide the shock or surprise that I’m a stay-at-home dad and that my wife isn’t the one at home with our child.  

Have your male friends judged you for the decision?

My friends are the best!  We don’t get to see each other as much as we would like, but I can tell they don’t judge me for staying at home.  Nothing really has changed with my friends when we hang out.

What’s the biggest thing you learned about yourself after becoming a stay-at-home dad? 

I’m a hugger!  Ask my wife, she would never have categorized me as a person who likes to hug.  But now that I’m with Bryce all day long, all I want is a hug from that little guy, no matter how much he doesn’t want to.  

What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home dad?

Watching him grow up.  He is getting so big so fast.  I’ve been watching him for 9 months now and I’m amazed at how different he is.  He has become his own little man.  Being able to see him grow these past few months has been amazing!

Would you suggest this to other dads?

Absolutely.  The bond you build with your child during these years are something that you will never forget.  Your child will always have this unexplainable bond with his mother.   She will be the one he always goes to, good or bad.  Having a chance to stay at home with my son doesn’t quite make the bonds my wife and I have with our child even, but I feel like I’m getting closer.

How has your relationship with your spouse changed, if at all, from this arrangement?

It hasn’t really changed too much.  It is tough for my wife sometimes when she has such little time during the week to be around our son.  I make it a priority that as soon as she gets home, we are waiting at the door for her and that he is the first person she gets to see when she gets home.

What’s the biggest piece of advice you would give to someone considering becoming a stay-at-home dad?

Expect the unexpected.  You could have a routine down and be ready to go with your schedule and it gets blown up within the first 5 minutes.  I learned in the first week that things won’t go as expected.  You need to keep your head focused and work through the difficult moments.  

My Mommy Confessions

Before you have a child, everyone has an idealistic view of how they will raise their perfect little angel.  Well, the minute you get that angel home and he screams the entire first night, all of your so called rules go right out the window.  And if they don't, and you are the mother that makes her own baby food, never yells at your child and keeps them entertained for hours on end without the use of any electronic devices - more power to you.  Here are my mommy confessions, that my childless self would have cringed at.

1) We feed B-Man processed food:  

Now that Bryce is eating anything and everything, it is impossible to keep up with his appetite.  We try to make a healthy dinner most nights, but there are those inevitable nights where we just haven't made it to the grocery store, don't have time to cook or just plain don't feel like it.  So guess what Bryce eats, boxed mac and cheese, frozen pancakes or waffles, frozen pizza or (gasp) frozen chicken nuggets.  Now we do try to buy the ones with low salt, no hormones, organic, etc...but its still processed food.

2) He doesn't always eat what we eat:

Did your mother ever say to you, "you eat what we eat or you don't eat at all"?  I can't ever actually remember my mom saying that, but they say it on sitcoms, so some mothers must have said it.  This saying obviously can't apply to toddlers, right?  Maybe I will say it to Bryce when he is 10, but right now, if he isn't digging what we made for dinner, guess what, I pop in a frozen pizza and let him go to town.  Because if he doesn't eat what we eat, and doesn't eat anything, that just means we are going to be waking up with a very hungry boy at 2am.  And I like my sleep.

3) We let him watch TV:

Some pediatrics association somewhere out there has said kids under 2 shouldn't watch TV.  Well that is impossible.  Besides the fact that it keeps his attention and keeps him out of trouble for like 15 minutes, he also laughs his head off at it, and its too darn cute not to let him watch it once in awhile. Even if it means that I go to work in the mornings with the Mickey Mouse, Jake and the Neverland Pirate, Henry Hugglemonster (insert other Disney show here) theme song in my head.  We have even gone so far as to letting him watch it on a DVD player in the car for longer trips (like to Costco ha ha), because guess what - then he doesn't scream his head off to get out of the car seat.  We even bring the IPad to restaurants and let him watch it when he gets fussy.  Judge away young couple next to us, but your welcome cause now you don't have to sit next to a whining toddler.  

4) We let Bryce's naps times dictate our schedule?
If you ask me to do something during Bryce's nap time, that involves bringing him with me.  I will say no.  Naps are essential in making this little guy happy.  I find this one funny, because childless Kelly, really didn't think much would change schedule wise.  Now I find myself calling friends saying, "Yeah I know we were supposed to meet at 1:30, but Bryce is still sleeping...how about 2?" And then a half hour later call back and say, "He's still sleeping, I am NOT waking him up. How about 3?"  Ha ha.  Your good friends will understand, whether or not they have children.  The saying is true - you NEVER wake a sleeping baby/child (unless, maybe, you are sleep training because they have their days and nights mixed up).  And its inevitable, that he will take a 3 hour nap on the day you had plans, when normally he never sleeps past 1:00.  I was bad at being on time before kids.  Now - forget it :)

I know there are many more that I have.  What are your mommy confessions?

    

What is the Mystery Mouse-ke Tool? The suspense is killing me



What's for lunch?  Chicken Nuggets Please :)

Pizza Is My Favorite Food!



What Becoming a Mother Has Taught Me About Friendship

They say there are events in your life that will make you realize who your true friends are; the loss of a loved one who was taken far too soon; an accident that leaves you depending on others to care for you; a divorce, or maybe something less monumental.  For me it was becoming a mother.  I have to say the change in many of my friendships was one of the biggest surprises of motherhood, both good and bad.

I was once told that when complaining or arguing about something that you are supposed to "make a positive sandwich".  You know the bread are the positives and the inside is the negative.  So that I don't dwell about the on about the less than happy moments, I'll be eating a positive sandwich during this post.

The first few weeks after having Bryce were some of the hardest of my life.  I like the term that my sister-in-law uses for this phase, "The Baby Fog". While you are in the baby fog, you have no concept of what is gong on outside of you and your little one's world.  You are consumed with how long its been between feedings, learning and teaching your baby how to breast feed, waking up in the middle of the night for everything from feedings, to comforting the baby, to just making sure he is breathing.  You have your days and nights completely mixed up and you feel somewhat insane.  Not too mention what your body is going through (but that isn't what this post is about - your welcome).   

The people that come to your aide during this time, do it completely unselfishly and without any gain.  First, there is your husband.  Rob took care of everything that I wasn't consumed with.  And I love him for it.  However, I also expected it from him because he's my husband and the baby's father, that is his role, right.  Then there are the grandparents, who are amazing. They bring you food, watch the baby once in a while during the day so you can nap, help with chores, take care of the dog while you are in the hospital, but again you kind of expected it (especially if you have the type of parents that we do) because they are your parents and you are still their baby and they want to take care of you.  And they remember how you are feeling - even if they went through it 30 years ago.  

But what surprised me more were the people who stepped up during this time that I didn't really expect.  That friend who is also a mom and completely understands what you are going through, so she takes the time to bake or send you food, without expecting to visit for 2 hours.  Or your sister-in-law who has three kids of her own but took the time to bring you dinner one of your first nights home and she answers your calls and texts all hours of the day and night when you have questions about breast feeding.  Or your childhood friend, who no matter how far apart you live makes an effort to be there for you for all of your life events.  

Then there are also those moments that you have when people you never thought would, let you down.   Those people that you needed to rely on and showed you no support.  The ones that question your parenting decisions or limit interactions to likes on pictures of your new baby on FaceBook.  The ones that you used to stay up all night in college with having "deep" conversations, that you called every time you needed a good cry, that you thought would be your closest confidante forever, but made absolutely no effort to be there during the biggest time in your life.  The ones that you tried to call when you were having a melt down and didn't pick up or never even returned a call.  Never made an effort to meet the newest most important person in your life.  

The other piece of bread - Thank you to all those people in my life who did everything and more than I ever could have expected.  Thank you to those childless friends of mine, that even though they couldn't personally relate to my experience, still wanted to hear all about it, get to know my son, and showed me that they are true friends.  Those people who will reschedule plans with me, the day of, multiple times because B-Man has slept too long, or is fussy, or needs a nap.  Instead of the ones who just say, "I would never let my child dictate my schedule," or "I will never be that kind of parent." Those friends that will take long walks with me on the days that he will only nap in the stroller. Those friends who see something in a store that they think Bryce will like and surprise him.  The friend that already has a Christmas gift for him in 2014, even though there is no reason she has to buy him a gift at all.  

You all know who you are!